So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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