i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
