I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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