it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
