I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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