I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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