her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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