why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
