dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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