this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
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I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
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He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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