Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Randomize
