hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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