Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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