So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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