you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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