Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
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I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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