My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
