Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We need to get me chipped asap
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
