The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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