Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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