The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
