You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
