dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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