Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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