On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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