You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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