Don't make out with my wife yet
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
