Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
