i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
