I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
