woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
