they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
