I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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