Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
