Yo dont text me then not text me
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
