so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
