She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
