Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
