And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
