Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You are the jesus of drinking
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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