between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
