is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
