I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
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Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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