Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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