some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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