just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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