We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
