Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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