I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
