Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
