just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
