Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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