I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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