Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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