party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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