I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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