So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There r osticjed everywhere
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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