M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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