if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
