I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
